Somethings Happened

Somethings happened to me.

I don't know what it is. I don't know whether you want to call it growing up, or growing old, or trying to deal with the uncertainties of the future. I don't know whether its depression or just a changing of the guards/moods.

I went to a birthday party last Saturday night at an art gallery in a quiet neighborhood of KL. It was a beautiful house with beautiful artwork all over the walls. The host was truly an icon of KL cool and actually I was quite flattered to be invited. Swimming pool, free flowing booze, an alternative crowd, designers, artists, actors... the closest thing to bohemia that we have here, and I felt so socially awkward and retarded that I got up and left.

I've never felt socially inept before. I could not communicate with anyone, couldn't connect, and frankly couldn't get out of there faster. I don't think it was the other partygoers. I routinely watched groups of strangers meet, go through their introductions, and then have a good time, or at least feign a half decent one... and there I was, the Hot Air King of Christmas Past, who couldn't sustain a conversation longer than 3 minutes. Fuck it, i didn't even want to.

But wait, does any of this matter? No, not really. Will my ability to schmooze in a party decide whether I'm going to heaven or hell? Oh, I'm a hindu. I'm coming back... so even more so, NO.

Somehow I knew this moment was coming. I feel more out of touch with people than ever before. Surely and definitely not slowly, I'm losing the desire to stay in touch, to actually communicate, to call old/new friends, to write e-mails, to Flickr, to get stoned, to drink (which is so far the slowest of all desires to disappear to be honest). I'm becoming so... insular that I'm resorting to blogging again.

What DO I like?

I like playing poker.
I like my garden. The balcony project lives on.
I like looking at the sun in the morning and in the evening.
I like going for runs.
I like cleaning my room.
I like every time I manage to control my temper and actually say/do nice things for my family.
I like managing my finances.
I like hypermiling (572km to one full tank!)
I like porn.
I like maguro.
I like my music collection (and e-mailing out songs to people).
I like telling the truth more.
I like talking less.
I like most of my colleagues.
I like not shaving so much.
I like being home early.
I like sleeping early.
I like Jln Tun Razak during rush hour.
I like not having testicular cancer and that the lump was benign.

What would I LIKE to do?

I'd like to meditate
I'd like to scuba dive
I'd like to find the right pots for my garden
I'd like to find the right frames for my things that need framing
I'd like to spend more time with my little brothers
I'd like to spend more time with my dog
I'd like to eat healthier
I'd like to quit smoking once and for all
I'd like to finally write that film
I'd like to finally be rid of certain ghosts, or rather, stop inviting them back into my life
I'd like to work abroad
I'd like to make the transition from AD to director already

Now that I've listed this stuff down, I realise that there isn't much that I do in my life right now that is stuff that I don't like. That list takes up nearly 95% of my time. I don't attend plays, screenings, launches, dances, exhibitions, birthday parties, reunions, meetings. I don't do anything that isn't work or me. Then this is a positive change, yes? no?

Why do I feel constrained? Isn't life supposed to be a combination of responsibility and doing the things you want to/enjoy doing? I'm doing that now. How come I feel more imprisoned than ever before?

In a nutshell, I'm scared, and unhappy... but have also never been more optimistic about a start to the year than this one. 2009 is going to rock, the same way 2008 did, and 07, and 06, and 05. I think I'm out of my dark days. I think this is something different. This feels a lot less angsty, or rather the angst is manifesting itself differently. No more wailing and melodrama.

Now it's more like sitting on a rock, looking at a beautiful view, taking it all in, but not really knowing what to do with it all, since I'm not allowed to get off the rock in the first place.

Fucking rock

If I do start blogging regularly, I'm going to try and not have all the posts be like this one.

Promise.