The Flesh of the Forest

A number of people have asked me why I haven't updated my blog in quite a bit:

1. I don't have a computer at home. Besides, you shouldn't blog from home. I reserve my home time for lounging about in my polar bear boxers while watching Discovery Channel and Outback Jack. All blogging should be done from work, on company time. It's the only way I know how to rock.

2. For all my lack of shame, I don't want to share too much emotional stuff about myself on this blog. Writing in a blog has enough emotional undertones to keep you informed of my emotional well-being without me overtly going into things. People write about their emotions so much better than I do, so it is best to read their blogs and not mine.

3. I want to write about my so-called adventures, hence the title of the blog. I want to share interesting stories about things that happen to me throughout the course of my day, or the origins of some of my wonderful friendships.

I had an adventure this weekend with Storm Rider and Guru Besar (principal).

A little back story:

Storm Rider is a good friend of mine who works as a theatre technician in Singapore. He is absolute technical theatre magic. Give him a broken fresnel, some gaffer tape, and an ashtray full of soggy ciggarette butts and he'll fix whatever problem you have. Bloody McGyver bastard.

We are also what people would say as being from completely different worlds. He is a chinaman through and through... blonde hair, girlfriend with many jingly jangly bits hanging from her handphone, sleeveless t-shirts and slippers wherever he goes... but we are friends. I call him Storm Rider because he reminds me of a character from the Chinese movie of the same name.

I met him during a local production of "Sound of Music" in 1998. He was the lighting operator and I was the Assistant Stage Manager. I was also the fly operator and had to rely on some lighting cues as my own cues to either raise the Alps or lower down Nazi occupied Austria... thus, I had a headset.

Headsets are fun. Especially when you have a full symphony orchestra playing the Sound of Music for you. Every night during "Doe a Deer" I would turn mine on and serenade the entire technical team with Homer Simpson's version of the song:

Duff, a beer, my favorite beer
Ray, the guy who sells me beeeeeeeeer
Me, the guy, who drinks the beeeeeer
Far, a long long way for beeeeeer
So, I think I'll have a beeeer
La, la la la la la beeeer
Ti, no thanks I'm having beeeer
that will bring us back to
DOH!

That kind of idiocy repeated every night for 2 weeks (with a full symphony orchestra backing) is the kind of thing that breaks the ice between two people.

Fast forward to now.

Storm Rider works in Singapore and I only get to see him three or four times a year. Anyway, I went to his place and Guru Besar was there. I call him Guru Besar because he's the principal of an arts kindergarten somewhere in Kajang, that great hinterland of satay. Actually, I don't think he's the principal and I don't think it's an arts kindergarten he runs, but Storm Rider and I think it is a lot funnier that way than to actually listen to what he really does. He's come to accept it and now calls himself Guru Besar too. I like hanging out with them. We communicate using broken English, Malay, and a smattering of Cantonese swear words. The language barrier is definitely present but it doesn't stop us from communicating seamlessly with each other.

The plan was to get silly and go to the zoo. The plan was silly so we didn't go to the zoo (but it would have been fun. Anyway, we were rained out) and instead hopped into the Storm and decided to go on a drive-about.

We turned onto Jln Zoo View and instead of following the traffic towards Taman Melawati, we just kept driving straight, to see where the road would take us. First we came to a small little kampung. It was quaint and we oohed and aahhed at all the decorative tyres that the kampung folk had put down as lawn decorations. This went on for about a kilometer and then we discovered a river runs through it. The road narrowed to one lane, the village gave way to more trees, and suddenly we were in the jungle (but travelling on a beautifully tarred road). We were rocking out to Deja Voodoo's "I Am What I Am" and swigging Absolut straight from the bottle as the road mirrored the meandering river it was running next to. We would periodically see old men on motorcycles with fishing rods out of the back of their shirts ala He-Man ride by.

The river was beautiful and swollen from the rain that had now stopped. As it widened, so did our view of the gorgeous limestone cliffs known as "Dragon's Back" which was now covered in mist. Smaller limestone columns popped up out of nowhere and they had their own mist posse as well. It was greener than a leprechaun convention. We were absolutely stunned by the beauty of the area, and even more shocked because we were only a 10 minute drive away from Jln Ulu Kelang (which is the personification of urban madness). The road kept going for about 4 or 5 kilometers. The windows came down and the volume of the music came up. We reached a clearing on a slight hill and from there we could see 4 or 5 small fishing ponds laid out before us and continuing on into the distance, accessible only by motorbike. Since the Storm is slightly larger than a motorbike, we kept going on the tarred road.

In what was a very wonderful moment, the road came to an end just as Axel Rose was growling "Where do we go now?" on "Sweet Child of Mine". Actually the road didn't come to an end, but there was a hobs-tacle in our path in the form of a building. A huge, very government pink building with some irritating security guards who kept telling us that "Ini tempat UMNO! Ini tempat UMNO!" ("This is UMNO land!" UMNO is the United Malay National Organization, the leading party in the ruling Barisan Nasional coalition government). The sign on the front of the building said "Institut Budaya Baru Melayu Selangor" (The Selangor Institute for New Malay Culture... whatever that may be. According to the New Straits Times, it is the former Ghafar Baba motivational camp. Think bootcamp but for UMNO).

We turned around and decided to take a right at a junction we had ignored about 1 kilometer away from UMNO-land and were wonderfully rewarded. Turns out some enterprising eco-Malays have set up shop there in the form of jungle chalets. The first one was called Chalet Jinbara and we drove past it (because the road kept going) and ended up at Isi Rimba... which was exactly what 3 city boys needed. Isi Rimba means "The Flesh of the Forest" and the dudes there had made the most of the ample flesh. They had built an entire jungle spectacular world of their own complete with little bamboo bridges and kampung houses, along with a makeshift cafe next to the river. I ordered a teh tarik, Guru Besar ordered a teh tarik tongkat ali (tea infused with local herb equivalent of viagra), and Storm Rider had a 100 Plus. He said it was the best damn 100 Plus he's ever had.

This sounds like a lot of development but the folks at Isi Rimba haven't touched more than 5 trees in their push for eco-friendly commercialism. For RM120 a night, four people can stay at their kampung style chalets and eat all the homecooked meals you want. They conduct team building exercises, jungle trekking, night trekking, waterfall excursions, 4x4 excursions, fishing, jungle survival courses... everything junglelah.

Chickens run wild, children catapult themselves into the river with a little help from a few hanging ropes, old men smoke ciggarettes and dream of winning the RM2500 monthly prize for the biggest fish of them all. Why I didn't take pictures of that stuff, I will never know. All you can hear is the sound of running water, splashing water, and laughter. Not eerie evil laughter, but good laughter. Family laughter. It's all very romantic and pastoral but fuck it, I think people in KL need to be a little bit more romantic and pastoral.

We spent about an hour by the river. We walked around and spoke to a few people. I asked an old couple about Institut Budaya Baru Melayu Selangor and they went on a wonderful tirade about it being a place to brainwash Malays into paying back their government loans and scholarships. This is to ensure that people who actually need the money can receive it, and hopefully some of that money will pass on to the Non-Malays. The woman then applauded the Non-Malays for finding money to continue our studies or start new businesses even when the government doesn't want to help and Malays should be more like that instead of sitting back and waiting for handouts.

There was a brief awkward silence between the three of us before we all broke out laughing. It felt like something from a commercial (a commercial that would never make it to air in M'sia, but still).

"Thank God for places like this though. We can put all that kind of nonsense behind us for just a few minutes and enjoy God's beautiful handiwork like we are supposed to" the man said and then we said our goodbyes.

I wish the pictures were clearer. This place was the dog's bollocks.