The Attack of the Blob

Pantai Hillpark is, in my opinion, one of the two craziest condominium developments in Kuala Lumpur. There are 5 phases and 17 million people living in an area that couldn't me more than 1 square km. The other crazy one is way up high in the OUG hills. It's one real kung fu hustle type of complex called Bukit OUG.

The OG's leave U out of their wars.

Like most of my stories, this one takes place late one night and early one morning. I was driving home from Pantai and decided to take the scenic route (no need to pay toll) and put the windows down to enjoy the breeze (use less petrol). El Stormo Guapo easily dealt with the kampung sized speed-bumps and was thirsting for the New Pantai Expressway on-ramp ahead of us. The morning had begun and a bus full of workers was pulling away from the stop to my left. A couple on a motorbike were cruising on my right. In front of me was the slowest driver ever. Even if I pulled over and a flock of physicists ran comparative tests on which was the slower vehicle, my parked car was still a speed demon.

That was the peloton that I found myself in... which actually isn't a peloton at all lah, it's just a normal driving situation. Bus on left, motorbike on right, idiot in front, hero in the middle with rapidly diminishing options except slow down and let one of these monkeys win.

Out of the corner of my eye, from around the right side mirror, a black blob suddenly attacked me. It jumped on my face, covering my entire right eye. I screamed silently and swerved. My non-blobbed eye was working fine and reminded me that I could kill alot of people if I panicked, so I didn't. Maybe it wasn't my eye, but my brain and my reflexes. Either way my eye was involved SOMEHOW. I held the car steady, slowed down, and kept driving. Then the blob started to adjust itself. One foot in my eye, the other in my ear. My smooth head was the perfect place for it, so it climbed on. It was a frog.

How the hell did a frog get into my car travelling 50km/h? I wasn't under any trees, there was nothing overhead for it to drop out of... but there it was, hanging on to dear life on my head. It looked quite happy on my dome, and actually I felt kinda cool. I've always wanted an iguana that I could chill with. You know, twist joints and then have Joswe (pronounced Ho-sway) chill on my shoulder while I pass it to the left. The only difference was that I had already smoked, and instead of an iguana on my shoulder there was a stray frog on my head.

As I congratulated myself for not killing everyone around me in terror when I was frogged, Kermit jumped off and found a nice cozy resting spot against the passenger window glass. He turned around to face me, and we contemplated each other.

"Ok frog... That's a good spot for you. You just wait there, we'll be home in 10 minutes, and then I'm going to let you out in the garden, ok? If I let you out here, you are going to die" I said.

Fredo didn't say anything so I assumed he was cool with the plan.

20 seconds later there was a police roadblock on Jalan Brickfields. I did my usual posture adjusting, switched to Lite & Easy, and put my grown-up face on. The cop slowed me down and waved me through, unaware that I had a stowaway. I should have turned the frog in at that point, but I decided to give it one more chance. 15 metres away from the roadblock as I was eyeing the cops in my mirror, happy to have escaped them yet again, the bastard jumps on my face again. This time I swerve and the tires screech. All the cops turn around and look. I steadied the car again and made my way out of there. What a fantastic frog.

I tried to grab him this time but then he belly flops onto the back window. I see him slide down the glass, and then disappear into the abyss that is my back seat. Right before he disappears, he gives me a look... It was a look that was full of, I don't know lah. I don't speak or understand frog.

Once I got home, I looked everywhere for my hijacker but couldn't find him. Maybe he gave me the slip while I opened the door, I'm not sure. I hope he isn't inside the car. I hate discovering random frog skeletons (you know you've found one somewhere weird before, admit it) and then realising that it was their misadventure that got them there. They should teach frogs not to jump into moving vehicles, or if you are going to jump in, you must know how to jump out. What kind of future lays ahead for the frog world if they keep going on these suicidal joy-rides?

I sighed and shut the door. El Stormo Guapo and I have been "involved" in the deaths of two animals on Malaysian roads (a fish and a chicken), and now an unsolved mystery. The animals are NOT going to be happy.